Jesus and me

Burnt out and thank God for the retreat and the break after the night duty. The retreat was really good. Ask me personally and I will give u a verbal first hand account of what the Lord had done. Or perhaps, wait and look at my life- how it will change - for the better because the hand of the Lord will be guiding me always. I fell, have fallen, am falling and will fall. But the Lord is faithful.

One of my colleagues told me to go see a psychiatrist cos she said symptoms of depression show. She said med will help and how it helped her. I do feel depressed but med wun help and I hv alwz believed that unless one is borned depressed, med never get rid of the root cause. So depression in this case is acquired, nt inherited. So we went on to debate why I am a drug peddler yet nt believe in med.

I feel depressed cos I am in this desert and God had told me this is a necessary path before the 'new life' comes. I told my fren I believe God is there and He wun allow me and He has never allowed me to reach the abyss. Whatever the case, I felt stressed/sad because I failed to be a good witness to Christ. What kind of impression am I giving to others-what kind of catholic is this? Rotten. Bad presentation. Tarnish Jesus' name. I told Him that I cant do it leh.. the more I try the worse the failure. So I ask Him HOW?!

Lk 6:39-42 A disciple is not above the master but when fully trained, he will be like the master. The reflections that day gave a glimmer of hope. So I contd to pray. Only to find myself damn pissed off before sunset mass on sat because this lady sat beside me and encroached 1/4 of my seat. Scripts played in my mind how I should slam her with my actions and words. Cld have politely spoken to her but I dowan to break that silence during mass.

A reading from Sirach and the homily spoke abt how anger and resentment are foul things. I told God in the heat of my anger - I KNOW I SHDNT BE ANGRY BUT THEY STICK TO ME LIKE PLAQUE. U TELL ME WHAT TO DO. GET THIS LADY OFF MY BACK!

During offering of the bread and wine, I was praying but cldnt rem what I prayed.

Didnt know when it was during the mass. Suddenly, I finally knew what it means that Life is a choice. A choice to be happy and joyful and not sad. Love and not hate. Peaceful and not angry. People told me umpteen times. I read many self help books. Still didnt know what it really means to make a choice. So now, I know it though not knowing how I knew it. And God told me why I knew - during the final prayer before the mass ended.. Father JP prayed ; 'thru the eucharist, You influence our mind and our thoughts'.

My GOD. YOU SPOKE! You! You! You!

15 'Look, today I am offering you life and prosperity, death and disaster.

16 If you obey the commandments of Yahweh your God, which I am laying down for you today, if you love Yahweh your God and follow his ways, if you keep his commandments, his laws and his customs, you will live and grow numerous, and Yahweh your God will bless you in the country which you are about to enter and make your own.

Amen.