Battle with self : To let go of the attachment.... or not?

I'm too ashamed to share this upon the prayer meeting... because it's way too simple at first... but as I gone through some discernment, the urge to share kept getting bigger.. So please bear with my testimony :P (especially for some grammatical error / typo, etc .. cos it's bloody 3am!)

As some of u know, that I recently lose my blackberry in a taxi, on the way home from Vincent's house as I was rushing to have a not-so-important but really urgent (at that time) online meeting with my project group members. I never lose any electronics in taxi before, so yes, that was my first time!

Eversince blackberry came through my life, my life changed. When I drive in Jakarta, I always check for new messages / new bb chat / facebook, etc while driving. YES, while driving! I don't care wether it's dangerous or not, and my mom and sis or friends has warrned me countless times of the danger, but I kept doing that for quite some time. Thank God nothing happened when I drive.

When gather around friends and Catholic community, I became anti-social. I was so busy with my blackberry, even there was no blink of new message / new bbm chat / etc. I got so fond of it, never leave home without it, never spend a day without it.

When I came to Singapore, I upgraded into a higher one. Same old habit occurs, never had a single day without a bb. Somehow I felt more secure when I have it around. And had this kind of feeling of "no need to get in touch with other ppl, I have a bb with me". One day, I somehow forgot that i left my bb at the pocket of my jeans, and put it together with the other apparel in the laundry bag. I was kinda off that day, so I put everything in the washing machine, not realizing that my bb is still in the pocket and operated normally. After that, I put all my laundry in the dryer, feeling nothing, and heard a clanking sound from the dryer. I checked, found nothing suspicious, and continued the drying procedure. 1 hour later, when I chec for a new message, then I realize : OMG I left it on my pocket!!! So yes, of course it is ruined and became unusable. On the positive side : I owned the cleanest bb on earth xD

So I brought it to where I bought, hoping that it still can be fixed. Spend a week without bb can be quite torturing, feel empty in life, and got nothing to do when waiting for a Bus / MRT to come. But my mindset still the same. A week later, guess what it is? yes, the bb has RIP. So I ought to buy a new one, same model, just for the sake of easy communication with my family in JKT and friends.

So, the life goes on, and I still have the same old habit. Even checking for new msgs during the mass, or prayer meeting in Emmaus. And then the day come : left it on the taxi. This time I tried to find the hidden message that God put in my heart. After a daily of mass, still feel my life is empty, I began to seek God in silent prayers. Then I realized that the emptiness of my life is not merely filled with bb, but because the lack of God's love. The lack of God's guidance. I put God before bb before.

After that, I feel "my cup" increasingly filled with God's love, through silent prayers in adoration and masses, and every path and every step of my life suddenly feel easier, can concentrate more during classes, and can express myself better when gathering around people. I also promised myself : that has to be the last bb onyx I bought (3 times on a year!).

Now, do I still need bb? yes of course, as a form of communication. But can I live my life without bb? the answer is still no, because I still have to communicate with many friends using bb :P. But Thanks be to God  I'm back to close relationship with God, and trying to put God first before any deeds. I began to pray (again) in bed, before sleeping and when I woke up. A simple thing that has a BIG effect in my life. I do really feel that God is always beside me through joy and pain, through loneliness and communion with other people. Has it finished? no... it's a fight of a lifetime, I believe. But what matters most is not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up and fight for it.

I would like to end with a song : " ... When I the ocean's rise and thunder's roar..I Will soar with You, above the storms... Father You are king over the flood. I will be still and know You are God!"