Isn't he irritating?

Feeling guilty that my mum had to suffer from my poor time management, I finally apologised to her and prayed that the sun wld be so hot that the laundry wld all dry soon the following day.

I tried to pry my eyelids open and quickly read thru that day's Gospel reading and finished my last decade of rosary prayer 'left over' from the morning.

Lights out.

I lay on my bed, closed my eyes and tried to sleep. I hugged my favourite bolster and yes... luckily it was 11 plus ... not too late. At least I had finished sharing for the retreat and could get 7+ hours of sleep before I get up to work.

Not true. I got up and visited the toilet a few times... sigh... this was the incontinence due to drinking large amt of water before I slept. Then I would try to get back to sleep. Sleep is described in stages N1 → N2 → N3 → N2 → REM. Well... for me I put it in my own terms - conscious, subconscious then unconscious. I drifted in and out from the conscious & subconscious state. As soon as I was abt to get into the unconscious state, my soul was being 'pulled out' into the subconscious state. In the subconscious state, that sick face of Mr Tan appeared again... esp that black vertical figure. I was scared, really scared. I failed to master that courage in the Lord...even as I prayed 'May the blood of Christ protect everyone in this household including my dad who was working! Go back to where u belong!' the prayer was not at all convincing.

"Dwell in self pity so that u can fall asleep"

"No!"

"Why was I so stupid to pray that I can see my sins so clearly? Now u are in fear. You cannot accept it"

"Shut up."

"Lord, Wah lau I need to work tmr one leh. Like that cannot sleep then how am I going to work the next day. Wah lau before i go for CER i cld sleep so peacefully. After I come back I cant even sleep"

Fed up, I felt that perhaps I shld get up to read the bible to calm my nerves. It was near 1 am... With the stress from not falling asleep and it would be soon the sun wld shine again... I shudder at the possibity of a sleepless night.

i flipped the bible open... proverbs and started reading. The words cld nt register in my mind and I saw the time... past 12...alr a new day and can start praying the rosary.

Tuesday-sorrowful mystery. Lau... Passion of Chirst.... subconsciously blaming myself to pray that I would enter his passion totally during the retreat. A lot of dangerous and life wrecking prayers indeed during the retreat.

1st decade... 'okie. can go back to sleep alr. one decade is enuf. It's late.'

2nd decade... 'Enuf... 2 decade alr... go and sleep. It's late.'

'Aiya u quiet lah. No peace how to sleep.'

3rd decade.... 4th decade... Reciting the 4th decade, i didnt know what prompt me to pull out that pieta prayer booklet... 'Mother Mary I need to see ur face... I am scared'.

As soon as I saw the pieta... my heart winced with pain and i started tearing. I recalled Fr WG mentioning the sorrows of Mother Mary. More emotions were put into the prayer and I was more able to connect with what I was praying.

5th decade... knelt down praying and when I finished the prayer... I made a final trip to the washroom. In the washroom while 'stoning' on the toilet bowl wondering 'how to sleep', a reassuring voice said- 'Dont worrry. God will help you thru tmr.'

My bed was like a strong magnet with such great magnetic force that I was immediately drawn to it. I slammed my heavy body on my bed. Conscious... subconscious... unconscious. I slept thru'out the night into morning.

I am still feeling fearful... I dunno if i can sleep tonight or i will get disturbed again. But I will not give up my sonship in Christ. Please keep me in prayer. Thank you.