Conversion Experience Retreat 10 - 13 Dec 2009

Haha sorry I cant remember if I did ask for the intercessory team to pray for this. Ok. Get into sharing proper.

"This is not a retreat about conversion of moral values. It is an experience, an up close personal encounter with our Lord Jesus..."

What a start, I grumbled deep in my heart. The stupid gothere.sg had given me an inaccurate direction to get to this place. To think I was lost the whole morning walking in circles. Why on earth is the Catholic Spirituality Centre (CSC) situated in such an obscure location?

"Someone asked me 'Father I just got baptised and I am already converted. Why do I need this again..."

Sigh. Such old fashioned praise & worship (P&W) songs... I really regretted not dragging someone along... and God I missed my Young Emmaus frens.

"The Lord will bring us through.."

As Father William Goh (W.G) was rattling on, I finally regained my composure and started to take down notes furiously. As if this cld help me remember the points to fight my case for entry into the eternal life in the heavenly court. The day passed and my sleep was interrupted every hour by intermittent awakenings.

It was 4 am when I was woken up by noises in the room. Oh so my room mates were preparing for their 'sentry hour' at the adoration room. Sigh...How was I going to survive thru the 2nd day with just the miserable 3 hrs of sleep??

Oh... it was Fr WG talking again... Thank God he knew how to crack jokes during these talks. Nevertheless I had fierce battles with my eyelids. Dozing off and out... Finally it was Mass.

"Tmr is a very impt day for all of u. These 2 days are to prepare you for... and today's homily is to reflect on the resurrection of our Lord". 

Cool resurrection indeed. Isnt it just the same old story of Jesus came. Jesus died and Jesus rose? Sigh... I was back into my semi conscious state when I got a rude awakening by the preacher.. His voice was certainly loud and I better kept awake just in case a bible start flying in my direction and it would be very paiseh if I got hit by it. The ambience started changing as Fr's tone softened. He was tearing. Oh man, the priest was definitely very emotional... & passionate abt the Lord's Passion. Seeing Fr wept, I fought back my tears... till I cld hold back no more. Ple in the room were weeping... and I qn myself- why didnt I feel anything abt the Lord's Passion? I must have hardened my heart so much that perhaps I had already committed a spiritual suicide w/o me realising it.

That night, I slept peacefully.

The following morning, I woke up early as usual and I was consumed by worries. We were encouraged to fast till dinner. Knowing me, fasting was an impossible task due to my IBS & certainly I didnt want to suffer from bouts of LS throughout the rest of the retreat. Nevertheless, I still went to the adoration room to pray. I rem Philips' words so I prayed 'Fr, Pls accept my fast as a sacrifice for the salvation of my soul and for the detachment of my sins'. So throughout the day when I experienced hunger pangs, I prayed that. The good Lord accepted my offering and revealed

1 P 2:24-25

'He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.'

'Father, allow me strength to fast as much as You would allow me to abstain from food'.

There were sessions to keep us occupied and I hardly had time to think about my hunger... except occasionally. Still trying to reflect what my root sin was... I somehow cldnt get my answer until the carrying of the cross. The crosses came in 3 sizes - S, M, L. I wanted the 'L' of course. It wld be a great challenge to be able to get that L size. It wld definitely look very cool on my shoulder. That stupid thought was suddenly arrested and a sense of guilt pierced through my heart. Arent u proud, I thought? When can u get that stupid pride out of u?

I got the M size. The weight of the cross rested just right on my shoulder. Not heavy to carry across the room if i were using my feet... but no... it was not so when I used parts of my body not meant to walk- my knees. "Lord, you said that i were to be ur disciple, I would hv to take up my daily cross and follow u"... I dunno how many times i repeated this. 

It dwelt onto me that our crosses are not meant to crush us but each and every of our crosses are designed specially for us, so that they fit us well and to overcome them with God's grace.

The confession went well and the healing service was alright though initially I was engulfed by fear so strong that I couldnt even sing. Something was just not right. But hm... I did what I cld... prayed,read scripture, go for masses, confessions all these yrs after my bpt. That night I was fast asleep.

It was the last day of the retreat. The Lord revealed to me again.

Eph 1:13

In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit.

Ok Lord ... I want to serve.. so pls prepare me for ur service. I have already the gift of tongue. I rem in the LISS that I had the what... that gift of knowledge or what u called it 'vision'?? I was praying over someone and I saw sth....& the person affirmed it. Hm okie... excited, I decided to pray for this 'new' gift.

The truth was not so when the praying service started. I cldnt 'open my mouth' & ask the Lord for that. The P&W music went on and on. Ple were praying in tongue and I prayed in tongue too...but to my dismay, with much difficulty. I rested in the Holy Spirit (HS) & got up just in time when my neighbour was being prayed over. It was my turn and I rested in the HS again. I started tearing though i didnt feel any sadness. I rested and with my eyes closed. I thought I saw some black vertical figure floating around. It appeared and disappeared. 'Father- was that the window I saw? Were my eyes not totally closed? But Father was there a window in this room?!' Qns stormed my mind but I dismissed them as my imagination & I continued to pray for the whatever i need to serve Him more completely.

Suddenly, something appeared in front of my eyes. It was so close. There seemed to be no distance between this something and my eyes. They looked a little frightening. I asked the Lord what that was. That thing which looked like teeth/eyes was brought away (like camera in the zoom out mode). It was a head. Looked like a lion- no. It had eyes like human -no. It was snaring at me as if ready to devour me. It was exasperated and I recognised it immediately - he is the Mr S.A Tan. I tried to turn my head away but I just cldnt 'wake up from this nightmare'.

The Lord gave me the courage to renounce the devil. And I was praying 'With the Lord as my Shepherd, there is nothing I shall fear' times x. no. of times. And it followed by 'Save the world.' times x. no. of times.  I suddenly felt an immense sadness for the ple who are in sin (of cuz me included). And finally... I prayed... 'Lord. You bought the salvation with your blood. The salvation is yours and no one can take it away from you. ' The devil stopped baring its teeth at me and it disappeared. However, I was still unable to get up. The HS was very strong and I still laid frozen on the floor though I was able to open my eyes.

When the praying session was over, I was puzzled over what gift this was. I told the Fr I saw the devil and asked what it meant. I thought he was going to say it is some new gift of vision or what... but Fr looked at me intently. He kept quiet for a mmt and said, 'it is not a gift. It was a healing of perhaps ur past. Praise the Lord.'

I then understand from what Fr mentioned the day before. He said if one is for no reason alwz feeling depressed and sad and healing at spiritual, emotional and physical level dont work, it might be perhaps the person was involved in the occult, playing ouijia board, seeking fortune telling, or being offered up to some deity when they were children. I recalled my past when I was obsessed with the tarot cards and inviting the 'guardian angel' game...That was before baptism and I thought that I had renounced those things during my bpt. But somehow, the devil just refused to let me go till the Lord yanked him out by the hair during that very last day of healing.

So ple asked do I have immense peace after that? It was like what Fr had described- I was just discharged from the hospital and was/am still weak. I am down with a very bad flu, so bad that my 'maxillary sinus' hurt so badly that I felt I cldnt breathe. I shared with Monica and she told me her fren experienced a high fever after the praying over service.

My advice to all out there... maybe not in the Young Emmaus gp... but whoever happen to stumble upon and read this, not to be involved in all these superstitious things, horoscope, tarot cards, fortune telling and stuff. Out of ignorance I went to play and had the devil 'reside' in me in my sub(un)conscious state.

I thank the Lord for His love for me, yanking that thing out.

LK 11:24-26

When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it.  Then it says, “I will return to the house I left.”  When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order.  Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there.  And the final condition of that man is worse than the first.

This tells us not to be complacent in our faith but alwz stick close to the Lord, never ceasing in our prayers & giving praise to Him. For all who think that they have no sins and are generally good Christians, please reflect again. Pray that the Lord will reveal to you the hidden sins. Compare holiness using God as the standard, and not ur neighbours.

Praise the Lord!