Community

Trying to find slides / recording for this session, but cannot find it, so i'll just post my comment here :)

(after i read it again, this is more a testimony than to comment the session... hope it helps... :p)

Christine asked this question few times during the talk and it kept running throught my mind for this past few weeks.

I remember i asked similar question to myself few years back. What is the reason i'm going to emmaus? And to be honest, most of the motives were personal interest rather than spiritual need.

• To have fun with friends, laugh, smile and enjoy the moment
• To look for suitable partner
• To listen to a preach, to learn more
• To understand the meaning of my life

I remember another instance when oka talked to me about service.. It's not about the task that we do, but it's about the people.. And i asked myself this question, what is emmaus to me? Is it about the friends, the fun? Is it about the people? Can you imagine emmaus without oka, or maya, or vincent, or philip, lisa, abby, christine, or saint valent? I can't help to think, without them emmaus is less emmaus..

Eventhough i feel comfortable if my friends are in emmaus, but i'm missing the most important thing.. To come to emmaus is about meeting God, to understand Him, to love Him, to praise Him, worship Him.. Well, at least that is my ideal, but somehow i felt that i'm still missing something important.

I kept thinking, questioning and remembering all this until the last session about eucharist by valent. Well, i miss almost all the talk, thanks to botak jones + toilet break :(  But from the sharing question, i felt that i found that thing that i'm missing. Longing for God..

Let me sidetrack a bit to understand my longing.. Community is purgatory.. Agree, in my context it is because the emmausian are so nice.... (i'm not being sarcastic), it is purgatory to me because:

1. Emmausian are so nice and loving people
2. I understand that we are created for God (aka. for love)
3. I want to be able to be nice, caring and loving person also like all of you.. But i'm not at that point yet.. I'm still struggling to be able to do that..
4. To understand that you suppose to love Him but not able to do so
5. Not being able to express my love for Him, sometimes do the opposite things that hurt Him
6. It hurts so much (i can't understand this at all, doesn't make any sense to me.. but it does hurts so much..)

But like purgatory, the purpose is not to torture you but to cleanse you.. When i'm in community, i learn bit by bit how to love Him.. Previously, i will just bo chap (don't care) about what am i suppose to do, but now i have a bit of longing to love Him..

For this past 2 years, i have a favourite song.. Take me deeper by Don moen.. but i just sing the first 2 lines..

When i feel the longing to love Him but i feel empty and don't know what i need to do, i will sing

There is a longing only You can fill

When i feel angry, hurt, sadness that i can't control or understand, i will sing

A raging tempest only You can still

-soni-