20 nov 2010

Glad that I managed to come... was having tummyache- somehow wih God's grace, fuss free for the 2 hours.

I would like to thank Jebie's brother... during the prophesy - 'you dun need to be strong at all times. Just fall down and lean on Me'. Ever since God Almightly gave a glimpse of what He wants me to do, I have been trying very hard to 'be good' because I do not want to give people around me (esp unbelievers) bad impression of the faith. Yes... so my desire is to be a 'walking incense of God's presence' - very noble and proud huh.

However things do not work out smoothly. My friends could see that I am not happy X 8-9 hours of the day - even though I just keep quiet, they can feel the negative aura. Haha. And not knowing why, some of the aunties were angry with me and refused to talk to me. I really couldnt think of the reason. All I can think of is that most people in that place are unhappy-so not very 'balanced'. In such an environment, God's love is truly needed... and sadly I am not the one who helps to promote it.

Rom 7: 18-20  'I know that what is right does not abide in me, I mean, in my flesh. I can want to do what is right, but I am unable to do it. In fact I do not do the good I want, but the evil I hate. Therefore, if I do what I do not want to do I am not the one striving towards evil, but the Sin which is in me'.

Disappointed and despair...  I pressed God for an answer, only to rem what a priest once said - when there is no love, give love and you will find love. Difficult task because I find almost no more compassion left within me. So no point doing all the things without love. Understand that if this goes on, most likely will perish in hell.

'God, I am powerless to change myself. I do not understand why people can just think on the bright side and things will be fine. For me, I do not even have the power to direct my mind and my thoughts. I tried and I failed. You have to put the love in me so that I can love. Sorry, my sins and hurts have wiped out almost everything that is humane...Thank you Lord that you have told me that I can lean on you. Give me the courage and strength to embrace the change and the healing that You will bestow in Your time, and also the patience to wait for You. I pray for people who may be in the same phase too, cos Lord, our souls will never find rest until they rest in You.'