Home › Articles › 2009 › May ›

After all these years ... still I am a beginner

in

Do you like reading? Have you ever experienced the "Killing me softly with his words" moment while reading? I have. After reading the first few chapters of the book, I couldn't tahan and I closed the book in anguish.

I attempted to read St John of the Cross' The Dark Night of the Soul almost 2 years ago. As much as I remember, I was in a "really good" spiritual condition. At least, I thought I was, till I read the book.

Before discussing the two (dark) nights that are commonly experienced by the spiritual masters and mystics' soul, St John spent some chapters to describe the imperfections of those whom he considered as beginners in their spiritual life. After reading the first few paragraphs of chapter two, I dropped my lower jaw in disbelief. Every single sentence describes ME and my spiritual life. Every single sentence stabbed and cut my heart. After all these years ... I am just a beginner?

I was in tears while reading his description of my spiritual life exposing my weaknesses that I was not even aware of that time. And after chapter 7, I wet my book and decided to stop reading it. Inside my heart I said goodbye to my dream of becoming a saint. I put that book inside my bookshelf and never opened it again ... until a few days ago.

I started reading it again from chapter one instead of continuing from where I put my bookmark on, chapter 8. After first few paragraphs of chapter two ... i said to myself ... After these 2 years ... still you are a beginner. Huehehehe.

Nothing changes? I realize, there is a BIG change. I am no longer frustrated in confronting my weaknesses. I am already aware of at least half of those. I am consciously dealing with these thorns which the Lord has not decided to take from my flesh yet. Yeah, still many of those are like a fresh revelation of my imperfections which are not novel at all. Now I see them as opportunities for growth. Those are cracks in my life where the Lord can enter anytime to reveal his power and love. But still, I am "happily but not so proudly" aware that ... I am just a beginner.

I truly enjoy reading these first few chapters that describe my spiritual life. I smiled each time I encountered any line that struck me, especially the ones that I felt like I've never read before (which are many). There is a desire of wanting to be better, wanting to be drawn more and more towards God, wanting to praise Him for his great love for me, a slow learned disciple of His. If God can be patient with me, certainly I need to be patient with myself. He has all my life time to work with me and it seems that he is not in a hurry ... yet.

So, where I am in my reading of the book now? Sorry to disappoint you (if you even care), but I decided to stop reading after chapter 7, huehehehe. BUT ... I did not say goodbye to my dream of my becoming saint. Yet a sinner and a weak person, I feel that I am a saint in the making.

like a burning fire, be my one desire ... I want to be holy just like You!
- Matt Maher -

Comments

Thanks for sharing :)

Submitted by Valent Richie on 25 May 2009

Hey Maggy, thanks for sharing :). I remembered reading the book "Dark Night of the Soul" by St John of the Cross halfway too but I could not remember the contents now except it mentions about all the temptations that we might face, such as pride, etc especially when we are climbing up the spiritual life.

Maybe I should re-read the book and finish it...

"To have courage for whatever comes in life - everything lies in that." (St Teresa of Avila)

Thanks for sharing

Submitted by William Kangdra on 25 May 2009

What a good promotional message... you tempt me to read the book too...

Thanks for sharing, sis!

Please elaborate more

Submitted by Andy Prima on 25 May 2009

Maggy,

What are those things that made you wet the book?

I want to know haha, I guess I am at the pre-beginner level.
I roughly could understand what you felt, may be its a similar experience when I read the 7 capital sins by Bishop Sheen.

So if you have time please share more.

Thanks and God Bless you

Andy Prima

muehehehe

Submitted by Maggy Anastasia S... on 26 May 2009

ok, I was too hyperbolic. I dropped some tears on some pages. I did not need to hang and dry the book of course. It was not that wet.

Saints In The Making

Submitted by Christine Dorothy on 25 May 2009

Yoz sist,

Thanks for sharing. You really make me wanna read the book also. I think I need to buy instead of borrowing, since it seems will take a long time to finish hahaha...

I love this sentence of yours:
"BUT ... I did not say goodbye to my dream of my becoming saint. Yet a sinner and a weak person, I feel that I am a saint in the making."

A lot of times, I feel a big temptation just to surrender, but not a positive surrender, but negative one, as in too tired to fight and try. Your posting reminds me to belt up, get up and walk again hehe.

- Chris -
Being grateful of the little things in life He has given me

Something to share

Submitted by Ben Liu on 25 May 2009

Hi all! do not get discouraged if you don't ever get to the Dark Night of Senses, very few in history actually gets there. Bit it is not the only way to become a saint, you can still be a martyr or something hehe (check out the many varitey of saints of the day we have for the past few weeks.. fansinating!)

I believe one of the signs when you grow spiritually is to be more and more aware of your weakness. Fr Jivan (Br Jivan when he shared) once shared that after years in formation, he didn't feel that he was getting holier but realised the growing need for God as he becomes more aware of his weakness. And it is in this realisation, we would have gained more in humility and surrender ourselves more to become closer to God and his love.

Another way to grow closer to God is to be detacted from worldly pleasures (mortification of senses), dependency of relationships and even spiritual accomplishments. This would be particularly hard sometimes because the world is telling us the opposite every single day.

Some of the books that I would like to recommend for spirituality is books from Fulton Sheen (Lift up your heart) and Thomas Merton (who has a hugh collection of writings including Seven Storey Mountain and Thoughts in Solitude). Both good writers in the 20th Centuary. "Come be my light" about Mother Teresa gives insight of what the Dark Night of the Senses is (over 50 years! and you can borrow it from me =)). I also have a link from the Catholic Encyclopedia about spirituality: http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/14254a.htm

Have a good day =)

This is the very perfection of a man, to find out his own imperfections. - St. Augustine.